924Board.org

[kaffine]

I'll limit the jokes to ones I'd tell at the dinner table.


2 gay guys are having sex in a forrest, a tree falls on them killing both. Which one makes it to heaven first?


The guy on the bottom, he already had his shit packed.


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A guy gets a job as an usher in a theater. The boss is explaining his job to him and tells him there are 2 kinds of tickets blue tickets for general admissions and gold tickets for the private box seats when the customer hands you the ticket tear off the stub and give it back to them tell the customers with the blue tickets to go down the stairs and to the left, don't worry about the gold tickets you shouldn't get anyone with a gold ticket since they have their own entrance.

Well he gets to work taking the tickets and telling them to go down the stairs and to the left. He tells that to one woman who then says that she has a golden stub, he replies I don't care if you have golden tits go down the stairs and to the left.
_________________
80 924
80 931

The best desciption of an atom boils down to something unknown is doing we don't know what.
Sir Arthur Eddington

[xpernet]

Here are some nice jokes. Hope you like them :

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China.
They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.

Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China

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HU'S ON FIRST (We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George : Condi ! Nice to see you. What's happening ?
Condi : Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George : Great. Lay it on me.
Condi : Hu is the new leader of China.
George : That's what I want to know.
Condi : That's what I'm telling you.
George : That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China ?
Condi : Yes.
George : I mean the fellow's name.
Condi : Hu.
George : The guy in China.
Condi : Hu.
George : The new leader of China.
Condi : Hu.
George : The Chinaman !

Condi : Hu is leading China.
George : Now whaddya asking me for ?
Condi : I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George : Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China ?
Condi : That's the man's name.
George : That's who's name ?
Condi : Yes.
George : Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China ?
Condi : Yes, sir.
George : Yassir ? Yassir Arafat is in China ? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi : That's correct.
George : Then who is in China ?
Condi : Yes, sir.
George : Yassir is in China ?
Condi : No, sir.
George : Then who is ?
Condi : Yes, sir.
George : Yassir ?
Condi : No, sir.
George : Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi : Kofi ?
George : No, thanks.
Condi : You want Kofi ?
George : No.
Condi : You don't want Kofi.
George : No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi : Yes, sir.
George : Not Yassir ! The guy at the U.N.
Condi : Kofi ?
George : Milk ! Will you please make the call ?
Condi : And call who ?
George : Who is the guy at the U.N ?
Condi : Hu is the guy in China.
George : Will you stay out of China ?
Condi : Yes, sir.
George : And stay out of the Middle East ! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi : Kofi.
George : All right ! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi : Rice, here.
George : Rice ? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East ?
_________________
1977 Porsche 924
Sunroof Delete
Megasquirt II EFI & EDIS
Carrera GTS / 944 Body

"If one does not fail at times, then one has not challenged himself." Ferdinand Porsche

[Neil924]

[My924gtc]

OK so there's this old man sitting on his front porch reading a magazine and kickin back. He notices these two kids wakjing by with a roll of duct tape. He yells to the boys, "Where you boys goin with that duct tape?" One of the boys replies, "Were going to fetch us some ducks!" The old man says back to them, "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Little kid says, "I guess we'll see." They keep on waking. About an hour later the two boys walk by again, and they are carrying 2 ducks each. Old man says to himself, "I'll be damned".

Next day, the same two kids walk by carrying a roll of chicken wire. Old man says to them, "Where you boys goin with that chicken wire?" We are going to catch us some chickens," replies one boy. Again the old man exclaims, "You can't really catch chickens with chicken wire." "Oh well," says the one boy. "I guess we'll just have to see about that," says the other. Sure enough the two boys come strolling by about an hour later carrying 2 chickens each. Naturally the old man is baffled.

Next day, those same two kids go walking by carrying some pussy willows. The old man jumps up out of his chair and yells into the house to his wife, "Hey Martha I'm gonna go out for a couple hours with these two boys!"
_________________
MJ
'81 924 2.0L T
'82 924 2.3L SC/EFI <---online fall '06

Sponsor of the 944 Cup and Super Cup
Sponsor of the "2006 Battle in the Badlands"

[procon]

Did you hear about Martha Stewarts new cooking show from prison?
It's called, 100 ways to toss salad.

[augidog]

A skinny punk on the beach says to the lifeguard.
How do you get all the girls?
The lifeguard says: I have a trick that will always work.
You take a potato and you stink it in your Speedos

The next day the skinny punk comes back to the lifeguard and says
I did what you said but everyone just pointed at me and laughed.
The lifeguard looks down and says
You’re supposed to put the potato in the front.
_________________
1978 924 95 mile daily driver.
Audi TB/POR174M/High Flow Cat/2.25" exhaust
I knew that positive thinking thing wouldn't work.

[procon]

What do you call an open can of Tuna in a lesbian's pocket?

Bait!

[Khal]

This bloke's mother-in-law went missing in the Northern Territory and the bloke was trying his hardest to look depressed.
Eventually the police rang him to say that they'd found her body in a creek, where it was being eaten by eight mud crabs.
The guy was quiet for a moment and the cop, thinking he was upset, ventured, "Um... Sir?
"It's okay," the bloke said. "you can have four and I'll take the other four... and we'll set her again tonight."
_________________
'80 924 Turbo

[Paul]

Two guys are driving their pickup up north enjoying some beer when a cop passes them going the other direction. The cop hits his lights and does a U turn.

The driver says: "Do I what do". He peals the label off his bottle of beer and sticks it to his forehead then throws the bottle into the woods. The passenger does the same.

Cop pulls them over, comes up the the driver's window and asks: You boys been drinking?"

Driver says: "Nope, we're on the patch."

[wdb]

two hunters get to talking over a few beers , about how tough they are and thier hunting skills . one bragging how he caught and killed an alligator with his bare hands , the other about how he chases down deer bare foot and knocks them out with one punch . finally one challenges the other to hunt grizzly bears using only a pocket knife .who ever skins the most bears wins , if its a tie ,who ever can do it faster wins . they agree on the rules . and the next day they get to a cabin in the middle of a clearing just before sunset . each spend a few hours planning thier strategy for the next day .in the morning , the first hunter starts making breakfast while the other is still asleep . when the second hunter wakes , he stumbles outside to get some air ,walks to the middle of the clearing and turns to look at the cabin and see the lay of the land . after a few miutes ,he hears something behind him , looks over his shoulder to see a 12 foot (4 meter) 1800lbs (900 kilo) grizzly standing on his hind legs right behind him . all he can think of is to run , the nearest thing is the cabin , running as fast as he can with the bear on his heels , he explodes through the cabin door , holding on to the door, it slams him against the inside wall , the bear comes bareling through the door way ,crashing through the furniture snorting and growling . not wanting to look like a coward after all he said about how tough he was , he thinks fast ,and yells , YOU SKIN THIS ONE , I'M GOING FOR ANOTHER . I'll BE BACK IN A FEW HOURS ! as he slams the door behind him

[Porschephile]

a baby seal walks into a club
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werd B.

[procon]

Now thats funny!

[jpab924]

What makes 100%?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:-

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about these people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to these meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these question.

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K

8+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But:

A T T I T U D E

1+20+20++9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And:

B U L L S H I T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, Look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[Khal]

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:



Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky



The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:



Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Ricky
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'80 924 Turbo

[teo]

Dear Insurance Company,

My new Ferrari thats insured by the Insurance Company was totalled earlier today.

I just wanted you to know, but I don't really give a shit.

John Smith
National Lottery Winner